Words by Margaret G. Hayes, adapted by the composer.
Narcissus Cucumber
Oh, once there was a Cucumber,
A dainty green young lass;
She saw herself reflected in
The brook's clear looking-glass.
"Is that me?" cried the damsel gay.
"I wish a prince would pass this way;
I am not rich, I am not great, I am not witty,
But goodness, gracious me!
Oh, goodness gracious me!
I'm pretty! I'm pretty.
I'm pretty?"
The Regiment
The Cornstocks march in rows,
They have no fear of foes,
For each Corn soldier knows
The flag that o'er him blows-
So boom-ta-ra-ra, gay,
The Fife and Drum Corps play,
So boom-ta-ra-ra, gay,
Oh, sweethearts, alack-a-day,
Weep as they march away.
So boom-ta-ra-ra, gay,
The Fife and Drum Corps play,
So boom-ta-ra-ra, gay,
Oh, sweethearts, alack-a-day,
Weep as they march away.
Grieve not, oh damsels fair,
Ev'ry handsome soldier there,
Although he loves your beauty,
He is bound to do his duty-
No time for sentiment In the Cornstock Regiment.
Well!
"I say you shall!"
"I say I shan't!"
argued papa Oyster Plant
Trying to force his gay son Ned
A wealthy heiress for to wed.
"I say you shall!"
"I say I shan't!"
Oh, what a naughty Oyster Plant!
Have you thought, Ned,
Where you might go
For disobeying papa so?
"I say you shall!"
"I say I shan't!"
argued papa Oyster Plant.
The Elopement
Pert and pretty Polly Parsely,
Prinking at her glass,
Pranked in posy-printed poplin
Posed the pretty, perky lass.
Clever Cecil Celery, climbing,
Clambered through the casement, clear.
"Gadzooks, Gadzooks" cried the canny Cecil.
"Wilt thou wed me, dear?"
asked the clambering Cecil,
"Wilt thou wed me?"
"Wilt thou wed me, dear?"
Charming Cecil, Pretty Polly,
Radiant rays shine through the rains;
Gayly gamb'ling, glad and gleeful,
To the pious priest they go.
While benignant smiles above them
Sweetheart's patron saint Rainbow.
Boston Bean
Book in hand and spec's on nose,
That's how the Boston Baked Bean grows.
Plato, Homer, Cicero,
Such a lot she sure does know;
German, Latin, French, and Greek,
And other tongues, she well can speak.
Stately pleasures at command,
Ibsen plays and Opera Grand,
Maeterlink and dear Rostand.
Though she's int'rested in Flag-time,
Doubt she ever heard Rag-Time.
S'pose this dame would deem it shocking
Should one dub her a blue stocking.
The Opera
Prima donna Salad sang Mimi divinely,
While tenor Squash, as Rudolfo, trilled superfinely;
But conversation waxed so loud
In the nouveau riche Tomato crowd
That the music-loving public found
The singers' voices drowned.
Rich Vegetable Dames were there,
In jewels dressed,
While all the beaux appeared in tails
With décolleté white vests.
All the Johnny Turnips carried flowers
To the stage-door down the alley,
With supper invitations
To the beauteous.
Practical Peg
"I'm 'fraid that I might starve some day,
The price of food's so high;
Meat, and fish, and soup, and Veg'tables
Are very dear-so I
Am going to the garden."
Smiles Miss Peg, Miss "Practical Peg."
"I'm 'fraid that I might starve some day,
The price of food's so high;
Meat, and fish, and soup, and Veg'tables
Are very dear-so I
Am going to the garden."
Smiles Miss Peg, Miss "Practical Peg."
"I'm going to plant this little egg-plant, so
I'll always have an egg,"
Says Peg. Says Mis "Practical Peg." Says Miss Peg.
Nautical Language
Gallant Captain Squash he sailed the high seas.
And his crew consisted of Green Peas;
Sound and round were these jolly "tars," they did but roll
When reefing the sails or stoking coal,
"Avast there, me hearties," the captain roared;
"I'll marlin-spike each Pea aboard,"
"Ah! hard-a-port," and "Ship ahoy," "Avast" and
"Haul, hold fast and belay."
All this, and much more, and all very fierce, and every day.
"Heave ho," and "belay," "let's wait for the roll,"
"steer larboard,"
"Let go pinion," "make weigh," "you'll taste the
cat," "the scuppers run red,"
"Stretch on the thwart," roared fierce Captain
Squash to his "jack tars."
Gallant Captain Squash he sailed the high seas.
His crew was Marrowfat Peas;
Sound and round were these jolly "tars."
I don't know what he meant by the words he said,
Suppose we'd find out if we, too sailed the seas
With fierce Captain Squash.
If we sailed the seas with fierce Captain Squash!